Snapchat Horoscopes

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January 31, 2014 | Sweat | February 2014

January: Chevy Volt

Something truly SHOCKING will interrupt your life this month and make you care more about the environment.

chevy volt

February: Plutarch

Great Heavensby! You’re a ghost! This is TERRIBLE news.


March: Algebra

As you wrap your leftover sandwich in foil, you will encounter your own Dramatic Foil. They will force you to foil equations for 40 hours. Your napping plans will be foiled.


April: Knuckle Sandwich

This month, try not to take a bite out of life. It might take a bite out of you! Play it safe. Date the nice boy who will buy you chocolates on Valentine’s Day and tell you you’re pretty. That guy you met at that thing last weekend with the swoopy hair and the James Dean complex is anything but. (Trust me.)

photo (7)

May: Damn Croissants

We get it.

photo (8)

June: Uncle Jesse

You will eat Oikos yogurt – and only Oikos yogurt – until John Stamos tells you to stop.

uncle jesse

July: Fig Newton’s Law

Now is the time to fall for something new! Your old stand-bys are just going to let you down this month, so take a chance. Order something different at your favorite restaurant. Floss before you brush your teeth. Live it up!!

photo (12)

August: Crunk Juice

“Yeahhh!” Your grandmother has just found her favorite sweater.

“OKAY!” You congratulate her.

“What?” She is hard of hearing.

crunk juice

September: Tomorrow’s Weather

Your problems will get so bad, that the Regular-Shitty bad-feeling days will start to feel like Christmas. You should see a doctor.

tomorrow's weather

October: Canned Laughter

There are only four things worse than your “Thrift Shop” parody, and all four of those things are parodies of other Macklemore songs. Uninstall yourself from my life, or install yourself a new goddamn personality. Byeeee.

photo (9)

November: Corned Beef

“Where is my other half?” you will ask on February 14th, when you wake up and realize that your partner, Cabbage, has run off with a carrot and some potatoes.

photo (10)

December: Wet Blanket

Nobody invited YOU, Deb. Go home and think about what you’ve done.

wet blanket

This is a post by the editorial staff.

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