March 29, 2014 | Gold | April 2014
January: Childhood Dreams
Look inside yourself. Open your heart. Literally do this. Have a surgeon assist you if you’re having trouble keeping steady with the scalpel. Open your heart and look inside. Do you see Barbies and Hot Wheels cars? If yes, remove them. Playtime is over.
February: Studio Audience Member
Heyyyyyyy! I see a new car in your future! On the third Tuesday of the month, take a look under your chair. You’ll find the keys and a set of instructions. Follow them, and you’ll find the real treasure.
March: Overripe Banana
You share a birth month with Justin Bieber, so obviously this will be a terrible month for you. Don’t try to fight it. Keep a low profile and have a little goddamn respect for your elders.
April: Paula Deen’s “Comeback”
Survey says? Don’t. Whatever you were about to do, just don’t do it.
May: Never-Ending Winter
As Taurus passes through it’s seventh phase, take a deep breath and hold it as long as you possibly can. This will bring you the peace of mind needed to complete phase two. Phase two: GIRL. Dye your hair. Spring is springing, but you look just about ready for hibernation. Neutral tones are out. Pastels are in.
June: A Nap
In love, you will find nothing this month. Don’t avoid dairy, shellfish, or spicy foods. If you’re going for a dry-spell, might as well go all out. Don’t make eye contact with cute strangers on public transit. You aren’t ready for them, and they aren’t ready for you. Relish your unshaved legs, your not-quite-beach-bod, and your Netflix habits. Love can wait.
July: Brunch For One
Now is the time to treat yourself. Your desires are pure, and your bank account is pure gold. Carpe some handbags, and put a little #yolo in your pocketbook.
August: Food Poisoning
Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad case of lovin’ you
No pill’s gonna cure my ill I’ve got a
Bad case of lovin’ you
September: Urban Seagull
When the world shits on your head, you’ve got to shit right back on the world. Pollution is fun! Don’t bother dropping your Big Mac wrapper in a trash bin. Throw it in the air in triumph as a symbol of your dominion over this planet and your lack of regard for its feelings. After all, God made dirt, and dirt is inanimate.
October: Anxiety In Gym Class
You ask too many questions that could be answered with a cursory Google search. Stop pestering your coworkers and figure your own shit out for once in your goddamn life. Jesus Christ. You’re more of a disappointment than the How I Met Your Mother finale.
November: Self Discovery
Who will you be? It’s up to you. All the never-ending possibilities that you can see–they are good, it’s true, but what you really need to focus on is BENEFITS. Does this job have the potential to turn into a career? How is your 401K? What about free food? In job interviews, make sure you do most of the questioning.
Subscribe to Flula! This is partially horoscope-related (after all, you December babes could use a little DJ Flula flavor in your sad and dreary little lives), but it’s mostly just good common sense.
This is a post by the editorial staff.