Snapchat Horoscopes

We’re basically The Three Fates.

inconnu

February 28, 2014 | Fog | March 2014

January: Teamster Sub

“You know you want it” is a terrible, misogynistic phrase, though it’s probably okay to use if you’re talking about food. Keep that in mind as Taurus passes through your center.

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 February: Recycled Air

Breathe in. Breathe out. By the law of conservation of mass, nothing can be created or destroyed. This is science. Keep breathing. Your breath is made of dinosaurs, of Ben Gibbard’s tears, of Jarlsberg cheese and plantars warts. These things are inside of your lungs now. You may never be Lupita Nyong’o, but you’re both breathing the same shit. WTF.

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March: Goldilocks

“January was too cold. February was also too cold. Not sure where March is going.” Even the oracle could not predict this f@$&ing weather. It’s up to you to take life’s infinite ups and downs as they come and embrace them as they are

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April: Pound Cake

“You put the sensual in consensual.” This pick up line is YOURS. Use it during the second or third week of the month to maximize your cosmological gains *winky face*

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May: Cara Delevigne

You will run into a boy on the street, and he will ask you for a dollar to catch the bus. Look him dead in the eyes and say, “you put the ugh in whatever,” and stroll away. You’re too #important for this, obviously.

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June: Identity Crisis

Breaking the fourth wall right now to point out the fact that Editor-in-Chief Joanna google image searched the phrase “My So-Called Life toaster” during the making of this snapchat. There is no reason for her to have done this. That image of Claire Danes doing the thing with her hair and looking straight at the camera is probably the first thing that comes up when you search for “MSCL.” Why bother with the “toaster”? Literally, Joanna, I’m trying to get inside of your head right now and I’m, like, so lost. – Taylor

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July: Self Tanner

Why did you criticize your best friend for her choice of prom dress? You know she loved that dress, and you thought it looked good on her, but you still made a snotty comment about the way the color reminded you of dead bumblebees because you thought it would make for a good joke. Well, you were wrong. You’re just being a prickly little douche. Tell your friend you’re sorry and that you were being a prickly little douche. Use those exact words. You will regain your lost karma points, but only just.

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August: Trader Joe’s Grocery Bag

A little goes a long way.

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September: Young Richard Branson

You will lose everything and gain it back over the next ~31 days. You will lose it upon taking a terrible Buzzfeed quiz and finding out that you’re maybe more of a Phoebe than a Monica than you realized. You will gain it back when you retake the Myers-Briggs personality test with an open mind.

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October: Juan-Pablo

Light yourself on fire and hurl yourself at somebody’s doorstep. You’re a literal bag of shit.

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November: YouTube Makeup Tutorial

You might be the only person alive who can stand Juan-Pablo. This doesn’t mean you should settle for anything less than Joe Millionaire. Your #romanticprospects will only start to look up as soon as you believe that you are worthy of #TrueLove.

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December: Twenty-Something Angst

#CountYourBlessings, girl. That internship will eventually lead to a paycheck.

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This is a post by the editorial staff.

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