Horoscopes

As the fifth moon enters into your crescent aura, your future will unfold.

Taylor Brogan

November 30, 2013 | Cake | December 2013

January: The Stanley Parable

In love, you will be presented with more than one romantic prospect, but fewer than 6.022 x 10^23. You will make a choice, but the choice will mean nothing.

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February: Ben Gibbard’s Lost Weight

There is nothing in this world that you love more than corn muffins. Embrace this. Why cut back on life’s small pleasures when you could be writing sad songs on your acoustic guitar instead?

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March: Petco Employee

There is a man outside your window shouting, “Hello?” Ignore him, or prepare to suffer the consequences.

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April: Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

There are only four acceptable places to vomit. This month, you will test those boundaries.

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May: Hydrogen

You like to surround yourself with an intimate circle of close friends. This winter, try to bond with someone new. You never know what kind of friendships can form when you break surface tension.

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June: Tumblarity

You may think David Karp looks stupid riding on his vespa now, but you won’t think he looks stupid when he runs over your grandma’s dog, Florence.

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July: Explosions!!

It’s time to dust off those old Rosetta Stone CD-ROMs and get cracking on that Portuguese. It’s time for you to come to Brazil.

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August: Praying Hands Emoji

Your mom is so tall that her head sticks through the ceiling when she laughs. Pray for her, and encourage your friends to do the same with the hashtag #hands4tallmom

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September: Marfa, TX

A boy two years your junior will send you ambiguously flirtatious snapchats of Paul Newman. Respond by showing him your collection of used dental floss.

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October: Vomit Pink

It’s too late to be a wunderkind, now. Become a wundertwentysomething, or a wundergrandma. It’s never too late for that.

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November: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

It might take 3 years, but your former high-school BFF will eventually give you back that band t-shirt you lent her when she slept over at your house and spilled melted icecream all over herself.

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December: Stale Frosting

There’s nothing like the bleak, sugary crust of forgotten dreams. It is imperative that you bite into your destiny before it’s too late and you crack your teeth. (That would really hurt.) (Teeth are essential for eating.)

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Taylor Brogan

Taylor is a Los Angeles-based idiot with a degree in English from the University of Chicago. She wants to write your favorite TV show.

2 Comments

  1. Laura C.
    December 3, 2013

    Leave a Reply

    Is the man outside my window a Petco employee? Can I get a discounted goldfish.

    • inconnu
      December 3, 2013

      Leave a Reply

      “Cyber monday is OVER.” Apparently not :/

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