As the fifth moon enters into your crescent aura, your future will unfold.
November 30, 2013 | Cake | December 2013
January: The Stanley Parable
In love, you will be presented with more than one romantic prospect, but fewer than 6.022 x 10^23. You will make a choice, but the choice will mean nothing.
February: Ben Gibbard’s Lost Weight
There is nothing in this world that you love more than corn muffins. Embrace this. Why cut back on life’s small pleasures when you could be writing sad songs on your acoustic guitar instead?
March: Petco Employee
There is a man outside your window shouting, “Hello?” Ignore him, or prepare to suffer the consequences.
April: Sink Full of Dirty Dishes
There are only four acceptable places to vomit. This month, you will test those boundaries.
You like to surround yourself with an intimate circle of close friends. This winter, try to bond with someone new. You never know what kind of friendships can form when you break surface tension.
You may think David Karp looks stupid riding on his vespa now, but you won’t think he looks stupid when he runs over your grandma’s dog, Florence.
It’s time to dust off those old Rosetta Stone CD-ROMs and get cracking on that Portuguese. It’s time for you to come to Brazil.
August: Praying Hands Emoji
Your mom is so tall that her head sticks through the ceiling when she laughs. Pray for her, and encourage your friends to do the same with the hashtag #hands4tallmom
September: Marfa, TX
A boy two years your junior will send you ambiguously flirtatious snapchats of Paul Newman. Respond by showing him your collection of used dental floss.
October: Vomit Pink
It’s too late to be a wunderkind, now. Become a wundertwentysomething, or a wundergrandma. It’s never too late for that.
November: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
It might take 3 years, but your former high-school BFF will eventually give you back that band t-shirt you lent her when she slept over at your house and spilled melted icecream all over herself.
December: Stale Frosting
There’s nothing like the bleak, sugary crust of forgotten dreams. It is imperative that you bite into your destiny before it’s too late and you crack your teeth. (That would really hurt.) (Teeth are essential for eating.)
Taylor is a Los Angeles-based idiot with a degree in English from the University of Chicago. She wants to write your favorite TV show.