A Public Diary – #1

The cracks in your iPhone screen can tell the future.

Kellie Hogan

November 30, 2013 | Cake | December 2013

October 2013

Make him a hypothetical playlist in your head of all the classic songs from 1975 that he ought to know. Burn that playlist onto a literal CD and make it on 8tracks, because that’s how much you care about him.

Give him rides home from work in a way that is so subtle and casual, he could never guess that you hate giving people rides. Drive like a kamikaze to show him how fun and rebellious you are despite your peter pan collars and soft giggles.

Tell the Tumblrsphere about how you found out he lives across the street from you, and now you watch his front windows, wondering when he’s home, and what he might be doing behind closed doors.

Find out his birthday, and know immediately that he is a Scorpio, and thus extremely compatible with your astrological Cancer. Go full speed ahead in your head, dreaming of your “magnetic, deeply felt” love connection. Incessantly Google your astrological pairing, and jot down, “Scorpio’s sense of an all-encompassing love appeals to Cancer deeply” in your notebook.

Start to see signs and symbols where there aren’t any: when he walks by you and ignores you, read into it that you make him nervous and he is trying to “play it cool”. Laugh loudly, smile widely, flip your hair around and strut when you know he can see you, careful to never look in his direction. This will make him see how appealing and popular you are to others, which should make him gallantly claim you.

Imagine your shared future together globetrotting and living the low-maintenance lives of artists. Moving from Chile to Mexico to Japan, staying deeply in love.

Text crushboy updates to your best friend. Have 5 hour Google+ Hangouts in which you recount to them the palm reader last summer who told you that you would meet a “soulmate-level love” at your next job. This is that job. You met HIM at this job.

Make fate your bitch.

November 2013

Break up with him in your head. Tell yourself that it was never meant to be.

Take the wrong bus home and spend two hours staring out the window, wishing you had something, someone, to think about, other than yourself.

Give up and return to crush-free solitude.

Hope that someday soon you will find someone new to occupy your heart and mind; someone to set you free.

Look at the cracks in your iPhone screen like the lines in the palm of your hand: capable of fortune telling, messages from “the Universe”, your own personal human history.

This is the first instalment in Kellie’s Public Diaries;. Click here to read the December 2013 diary.
Kellie Hogan

Kellie Hogan is the only person who Kellie Hogan finds funny; don’t even try to make her laugh unless you’ve won a daytime Emmy. She gets most of her work done at 3 am, after spending the entire day sleeping, painting her nails, and writing to-do lists. She's a Peggy Olsen at work and a Peggy Olsen in the bedroom. She is the Editor-in-Chief of inconnu.


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