A Public Diary – #2

“In the darkest night, oh. I search through the crowd, your face is all that I see. I give you everything, baby love me lights out.” – Beyonce, XO

Kellie Hogan

January 25, 2014 | Sweat | February 2014

This is the second instalment of Public Diaries by Kellie. Read the first one here.

December 2013

I have a small space heater in my bedroom that is shaped like a satellite dish. It glows fluorescent orange and wakes me up in my sleep in a nervous sweat, fearing that my bedroom has burst into orange flames overnight.

I sit in bed on my laptop listening to XO by Beyonce on repeat, my palms sweaty from the balmy heat i prefer for pantless web-surfing.

You’re all that I see, you give me everything, baby love me lights out. Baby love me lights out.

There is something infectious about the song’s softness, sweetness and the hopeless romance that feels 100% good/right

In the darkest night, oh. In the darkest night, oh. I search through the crowd, your face is all that I see. I give you everything, baby love me lights out. Baby love me lights out. You can turn my lights out.

Something about the song, and the pure joy exhibited in the music video, makes me want to cry.

But I cannot cry.
I have the strongest feeling of tears welling up somewhere unknown inside my brain (hippocampus?) but I just can’t locate the tears. I know they’re there. I can feel them.

It’s a kind of dull pain to feel tears without being able to release them.

Like sex on an infinite loop without ability to cum.

Doc, give it to me straight, am I gonna die this way?

I shut off all the lights in my room, staring at the glow of my heat-orb and listening to XO.

Like an ever-rising wave; an ebb without the flow.

In the darkest night…
Your face is all that I see…

If this isn’t the face of God, then what is it? The face of my fears, perhaps. The nervous sweats that come in the night and stay until morning stick with me all day as I walk around in freezing December snow, a layer of sweat between my skin and winter coat.

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Kellie Hogan

Kellie Hogan is the only person who Kellie Hogan finds funny; don’t even try to make her laugh unless you’ve won a daytime Emmy. She gets most of her work done at 3 am, after spending the entire day sleeping, painting her nails, and writing to-do lists. She's a Peggy Olsen at work and a Peggy Olsen in the bedroom. She is the Editor-in-Chief of inconnu.

3 Comments

  1. A Public Diary - […] This is the first instalment in Kellie’s <i>Public Diaries</i>. Click here to read the December 2013 diary. […]
  2. A Public Diary - […] Read Kellie’s Public Diary (1) and Public Diary (2) first, if you want […]
  3. A Public Diary - […] are Public Diaries #1, #2, and #3 for your […]

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