Welcome, to the first ever inconnu Culture Awards! inconnu contributors from across the internet have voted not once, but twice, to bring you only the greatest of culturally relevant awards shows. Your host is a scientifically engineered combination of Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman.
~Cue Witty, Culturally Relevant Song & Dance Introduction~
Best Superhero Portrayal
[The first award will be presented by Aaron Johnson and Keira Knightley. Aaron Johnson will joke about not getting any attention for acting in Kick-Ass. Keira Knightley will insist that if there were a ‘superheroine’ category, she would have won for playing Lizzie Bennett. Johnson brings up The Lizzie Bennett Diaries and Knightley elbows him and tells him to shut up through her smile.]
AARON JOHNSON:
“The nominees for Inconnu’s Best Superhero Portrayal are…
Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne/Batman
Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man
Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man
Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman
Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanov/Black Widow”
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY:
“And the winner is…
Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark!”
[Robert Downey, Jr. takes his time walking to the stage, smiling and greeting his adoring fans, a.k.a. the other nominees, along the way.]
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.:
“I think you mean ‘Robert Downey, Jr. is Tony Stark… Don’t pull a Kanye, Anne, I’m watching you.”
Cutest Celebrity Family
[James Franco and Dave Franco walk out on stage to present the award. James asks why they weren’t nominated. Dave says it’s probably because James scares people sometimes.]
JAMES FRANCO:
“The nominees for Cutest Celebrity Family are…
The Garner-Afflecks
The Burtka-Harrises
The Carter-Knowles
The Hemsworths
The Jolie-Pitts.”
DAVE FRANCO:
“And the award goes to…”
JAMES FRANCO: DAVE FRANCO:
“Me!” “The Garner-Afflecks!”
[After some confusion, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner come up to the stage. Violet, the eldest, walks in between them, holding her father’s hand. Jennifer carries their youngest, baby Samuel, and Ben carries Seraphina on his shoulders.]
BEN AFFLECK:
“This is better than the Oscars!”
[He then hands the mic over to his children, who proceed to thank their imaginary friends and favorite stuffed animals, and then, begrudgingly, their parents. Ben Affleck takes back the mic at the end because he forgot to thank Matt Damon.]
Most Crushable
[George Clooney and Brad Pitt walk out to present the award. Clooney teases Pitt about not having the cutest family. Pitt reminds Clooney that he wasn’t nominated for ‘Most Crushable’ and so he must be losing it. Clooney starts crying.]
BRAD PITT:
“The Inconny nominees for Most Crushable are…
Anna Kendrick
Darren Criss
Emma Watson
Jennifer Lawrence
Josh Hutcherson
Skylar Astin
Your (girl?) crush, and, of course, the winner is….
GEORGE CLOONEY:
(fighting tears) Emma Watson couldn’t be here tonight, so I’ll be accepting this on her behalf.
[Clooney grabs the award and runs offstage. Pitt chases him, tripping in the process.]
Best Song on Top 40 Radio
[The next two award is presented by Kanye West and Beyonce. Beyonce says it’s nice that he’s here to support his baby mama, and West tells her that he is nominated for the best category of the night. She looks confused and says that she’s nominated for the biggest category. They argue until the teleprompter reminds them that they have an award to present.]
BEYONCE:
“The nominees for Best Song on Top 40 Radio are…
‘Call Me Maybe’ by Carly Rae Jepsen
‘Die Young’ by Ke$ha
‘Set Fire to the Rain’ by Adele
‘Somebody that I Used to Know’ by Gotye ft. Kimbra
‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ by Taylor Swift’”
KANYE WEST:
“I hope it’s my girl, Tay-Tay.”
[Beyonce rolls her eyes as she opens the envelope.]
BEYONCE:
“And the winner is…
‘Call Me Maybe’ by Carly Rae Jepsen!”
Best Version of “Call Me Maybe” on Youtube
KANYE WEST:
“It’s not surprising this song won, considering it’s been so popular.”
BEYONCE:
“Everyone loves it. I sing it to Blue Ivy sometimes and she calms down right away.”
KANYE WEST:
“Really?”
BEYONCE:
“No. Here are the nominees –
2012 USA Olympic Swimming Team
Abercrombie and Fitch Models
Chat Roulette version
Katy Perry & friends
US Marines”
KANYE WEST:
“And the winner is…
The 2012 USA Olympic Swimming Team! How about Phelps just swims on up here.”
[Ryan Lochte approaches the stage.]
RYAN LOCHTE:
“Thanks, fishes. ‘Inconnys’ isn’t English, so stay in school… or the pool!”
Best Taylor Swift Boyfriend
[Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston present the award. They explain that they have more experience than Taylor with mixing fame and dating, especially when it comes to certain nominees, and they offer her some witty pointers.]
REESE WITHERSPOON: JENNIFER ANISTON:
“And the nominees are…
Conor Kennedy “So young.
Harry Styles Boy band? Honey, you’re not Britney
Spears.
Jake Gyllenhaal
John Mayer No hard feelings, babe.”
Taylor Lautner”
JENNIFER ANISTON
“And the winner is…
[Taylor Swift accepts the award for her ex-boyfriend. Everyone is confused; she acts surprised and thanks every boy she’s ever met for giving her songwriting material.]
Best Internet Presence
[Presenting this award are Zooey Deschanel and Jesse Eisenberg. They both look around, confused with wide eyes.
JESSE EISENBERG:
You look confused.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
Hmmm?
JESSE EISENBERG:
You look very confused.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
No, my eyes are just like that. But why do you look so confused?
JESSE EISENBERG:
I don’t know why they invited me. I’ve never actually used the internet.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
You’re so silly. Of course you have, you invented Facebook.
JESSE EISENBERG:
OH MY GOD, NOT AGAIN.
[A long line of expletives is censored as Eisenberg throws a fit on stage and Deschanel watches calmly, her eyes as wide as usual.]
ZOOEY DESCHANEL:
“And now, here are the nominees for Best Internet Presence!
Rob Delaney
Ryan Lochte
Tavi Gevinson
The winner is…
Tavi!!!!!”
[Tavi Gevinson ascends the stage looking like a cross between Angela Chase and a fairy. She thanks her Rookie staff and the ladies of inconnu.]
Funniest (Intentionally Funny) Famous Person
[Steve Carell and Emma Stone walk out. Carell jokingly says that he’s not surprised he was overlooked for another award. Stone pretends she is just pretending to be mad about not being nominated.]
STEVE CARELL:
“The nominees are…
Amy Poehler
Aubrey Plaza
Kristin Wiig
Paul Rudd
Rebel Wilson
Tina Fey”
EMMA STONE:
(with no emotion)“And the winner is…
Tina Fey.”
STEVE CARELL:
“Tina could not be here to accept this award but she’d like me to point out that there was only one man nominated… and it wasn’t me.”
Best Kardashian
[Kris and Rob Kardashian present the award. She jokes about stealing it, he jokes about no one remembering that he exists. No one laughs. Kris takes the mic away from him, shooting him a look of disappointment and disapproval.]
KRIS KARDASHIAN:
“The nominees for Best Kardashian are…
Bruce Jenner
Kim
Khloe
Kourtney
Scott Disick
And Inconny’s Best Kardashian is…
Oh. It’s – it’s Scott Disick.”
[Scott Disick flies to the stage from his seat in the audience on a jetpack, knocking Kris Kardashian out of the way and landing in front of the microphone.]
SCOTT DISICK:
“I think we all knew I was going to win this award.”
Best Write-In Nominee
[Katy Perry and Mindy Kaling present the award. They joke about not being nominated or written-in and then fake cry on each other’s shoulders before Kaling looks straight at the camera and says that it’s alright because they each have billions of dollars.]
KATY PERRY:
“Thanks for reminding me, Mindy. The nominees are…
Craig Ferguson
Jake Johnson
Kanye West
Max Greenfield
The Obamas
Ryan Gosling
Tom Daley
Tom Hiddleston”
MINDY KALING:
“Wow, we actually have a three-way tie! Our winners are…
Kanye West, Max Greenfield, and Tom Hiddleston!”
[Max Greenfield jokingly rushes the stage, clumsily trying to fight past Kanye West, who gets to the mic first. Tom Hiddleston stands by and lets them pass before politely and humbly standing next to his co-winners. The music must be played to get them off the stage.]
Best Non-Oscar Nominated Movie
[Leonardo DiCaprio presents the award. His voice shakes every time he says “Oscar.”]
LEONARDO DICAPRIO:
“The nominees are…
The Avengers
The Cabin in the Woods
The Dark Knight Rises
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Pitch Perfect
Skyfall
And the winner is…
[Joss Whedon accepts the award. He is awesome and humble. He lets DiCaprio cry on his shoulder and hold the award.]
Best Celebrity
[Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks present the award. They point out that they are truly the best celebrities, but it was so obvious that no one felt the need to nominate them. Streep references Jennifer Lawrence’s Golden Globes acceptance speech.]
MERYL STREEP:
“And the nominees are…
Beyonce
Jennifer Lawrence
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Lena Dunham
Robert Pattinson
Tina Fey”
TOM HANKS:
“And the winner is…
Beyonce!”
“LITERALLY [pause] the greatest imaginary awards show of all time.” Chris Traeger