My name is Geraldine Benson. I was born in March of 1978. Before you go making any assumptions, I should mention that, despite being named Geraldine, I am a man. In late 1998, I won 50 million dollars in the lottery and used the money to invent time travel in an attempt to transport myself to a future more tolerant of my feminine name. I ended up in the year 2253. After a couple shady deals with some even shadier characters, I established myself as a citizen of The United Provinces of North America. I enrolled in a university, and after a few two-hour neural implantation sessions, I walked away with a degree in post 20^th century history. I send this message to prepare you for what lies ahead, for your future.

Here is a rough timeline of 2013 as defined by our records:

January

• Joseph Kony makes a New Year’s resolution to stop using children in his military but breaks this resolution three days later when he passes a surprisingly fit five-year-old in the market.

February

• A street musician from Akron, OH wins the Grammy for Best New Artist, despite never receiving a nomination.

March

• In order to prevent future school shootings, the U.S. eliminates the public school system entirely.

April

• The Japanese create the first ever autonomous service robot and begin mass production on home and corporate models.

• To protect its citizens from a robotic uprising, the U.S. cuts off all trade with Japan, almost collapsing the video game and hentai markets.

May

• American gamers create the nerdiest black market in history.

• American perverts create the most tentacled black market in history.

June

• NASA discovers an alien spacecraft in orbit 50,000 miles above Earth’s atmosphere.

July

• The spacecraft lands on Independence Day and Jeff Goldblum locks himself in a bunker under Mt. Baker.

August

• Global warming reaches its peak, and the first polar bears that evolved fins are found and fittingly labeled “sea bears.”

September

• The Curiosity rover finds a cat-like specimen on Mars and instantly kills it.

October

• The aliens from the spacecraft are assimilated into society and are given their own reality show.

November

• The Canadian government uses a tax surplus to buy the U.S.

• Michelle Obama divorces her husband, as he is no longer “the virile cesspool of manhood [she] married.”

December

• The Jewish men and women who celebrate Christmas instead of Hanukkah form a new religion.

- Geraldine Benson, Time Traveler/Patrick McDonald, Staff Writer